Making Mom Friends: Large Families

Ahh, nothing like meeting potential mom friends. You know, when the stars align and you have your magic moment with a like-minded mom that you’d consider swiping right for. When things are looking really nice and you’ve got a good feeling about this one…and then you tell her you’ve got four kids. Or three. Or literally any number more than two. And then she looks at you like you missed every day of sex-ed class. And then you must have also missed all the after-school specials with those “The More You Know” campaigns. Let’s take a look at what it means to have more than two kids, and why this freaks out some potential mom friends.

Sometime back in the 80s when our parents were having kids, it became more common than ever to have two parents working outside the home. Interestingly enough, birth rates fell to less than 2 children per woman. People had fewer kids. Since the 80s, birth rates have remained low. According to Pew Research, “It reached a new low in 2018, when it was estimated that U.S. women would have, on average, 1.73 kids in their lifetimes.”

I know what you must be wondering: What does this have to do with mom friends acting weird when I mention I have four kids?

Well, most people don’t have that many children. In fact, many modern, American women have only one or two children. Some of them even choose not to have any at all.

As a mother of four children, I have found that when you tell other moms that you have four children, they then look at you funny. Some might describe it as if you’ve sprouted an additional head from your shoulders. Some mom friends become very self-deprecating. They say things like “I just don’t know how you do it.” Others will say things like, “Oh gosh. That must be crazy!” Still, other moms clam up and the budding relationship you thought you had dries up and dies right before your eyes.

It’s happened to me so often lately that I took to Facebook to ask my friends for insight. I wanted actual intel into the minds of these moms with half as many kids as me. And what I found was that there are a few key sentiments that seem to surface.

Here are the themes I uncovered:

• Lady must be crazy! Better her than me.
• I’m a twinge jealous. I’d like to have that many children.
• That mom’s a superhero and probably saintly. And also tired.

I’m pretty happy that this was what my fellow mom friends had to say. I really wanted to know what moms of one or two were thinking, and hearing their thoughts helped me to better understand the sometimes strange looks moms of 4+ are getting.

What about moms with 4+ children?

My friends with four or more children offered some insight as well. Those moms made mention of some of the off-color comments people make about large-ish families. Moms with more than four also noted that the comments and gaping mouths started when their families had four children. I found this comforting because I’d wondered if I was being overly sensitive (cuz I tend to do that from time to time). Turns out, I wasn’t. First time for everything, right hubby?

So here’s my takeaway from all of this.

Moms can have one or a dozen kids, but they all have one thing in common: they love their babies. And while some of us were made for more, that doesn’t mean we are better or more saintly than moms with one or two. It simply means we have more hands to hold, more baths to give, more booboos to kiss, and more needs to meet. Being a mom of two or 12 doesn’t define how much you love your kids. It simply defines how many sweet voices get to call you Mom.