I thought about this every day of October, and I put it off all month. And now it’s November, but, after speaking to a dear friend and mom last night whose heart is breaking right now from miscarriage, I knew it was God’s way of giving me a little nudge to share some of my story with others. I’ve suffered three miscarriages, and it was not an easy path to the beautiful family we now have.
As many people already know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Every year, I work to minimize the feelings that this month stirs for me. While it is still very difficult for me to speak about our experiences with miscarriage and why October can sometimes feel overwhelming, I feel like I owe it to other women who are going through something similar to share what I’ve been through.
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My husband and I have seven children, but three of them already live in heaven.
We lost a little girl at 17 weeks, a little girl at 12 weeks, and another baby at 6 weeks. All of these precious babies were wanted and loved. To answer the medical questions most people have: Yes, I had to labor and deliver my 17 weeks gestation baby. Yes, I elected to have a D&C with our 12 weeker based on my medical history. Yes, my fallopian tube ruptured with our 6 weeker and I lost it along with our baby. Three unique miscarriage experiences with the same results: a broken heart and a forever ache for a lost baby.
The last few years have been difficult at times, to put it lightly. Moms who lose babies have so many feelings to sort out that it can be extremely overwhelming, confusing, and exhausting. As a mom who has been through it, I want to share five pieces of wisdom I’ve gained from our experiences.
Five Pieces of Wisdom I’ve Gained From Miscarriage
You are not as alone as you feel.
There are women everywhere you go who have been through some of these tough scenarios. While it is certainly easy to feel isolated, it is better to look up and look around, even though it isn’t always easy to do.
I remember wanting to lie in bed and disappear, but eventually, I connected with other women who knew what I was going through, and, despite my skepticism, it was helpful. There are women in your life who have had a miscarriage. Talk to them. Join a support group, either in person or online.
The shared experiences are crucial in helping you to feel like you’re not the only one who has been forced to go through this awful experience. These women can offer the insight they have after walking a similar path. Let them in. There is strength in numbers.
People don’t know what to say to you.
I am fairly certain that can be said for anyone who is grieving, but the topic of dying babies seems to bring up an extra layer of awkwardness for some folks. Grief makes people uncomfortable. It’s not fun and can be very difficult at best to be around people who are grieving, and there is very little to be said to help those who are dealing with the intense grief that follows a miscarriage.
It’s hard work and no fun for those going through it, and a lot of well-intentioned people don’t know how to process big feelings like grief, let alone know how to support others during these tough times. The thing about losing a baby is that people can say some very hurtful things because (despite their best efforts to be kind) most people simply don’t know what to say to you. Unfortunately, I know this because it happened to me plenty of times. Awkward.
Things like, “God has a plan,” or, “You’ll have another baby,” can really sting the open wounds of a grieving mother. While the intent is likely not malicious, it can feel very cold and callous. Heck, my first OB/GYN told me I could “just have another baby.” Sometimes people just want to say something, and they’re just talking for the sake of talking because the silence of your pain can be deafening. Keep this in mind in the event that someone you love comes off like a jerk. Odds are good that they’re just not sure what to say, and there is a chance they simply don’t have the right tools/words to comfort you at that time.
A miscarriage will change you.
I remember after I delivered our girl at 17 weeks that I felt like I’d lost my innocence. A miscarriage came like a thief in the night. The blissful ignorance I had about pregnancies being safe after 12 weeks was stolen. I was not okay with the notion that it, this catastrophic and paralyzing grief, could potentially happen to me again. I remember feeling frozen by fear, and a part of me was broken in a way I couldn’t quite understand or even verbalize.
I changed in ways by which I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t like that my new normal included this loss and heartache. It felt as if my sparkle had been dulled, my luster lost, and my heart hardened a bit. Life became tough. My optimism was shaken, and so was my faith, and not feeling confident in who I was and what I believed was unsettling.
Fear then set in its hooks and gripped my mind. I struggled with crippling anxiety, nightmares, and PTSD. This became my new normal. *Now, this doesn’t happen to everyone who loses a baby, but I’m sharing these raw truths because if it resonates with just one reader, then I have achieved the goal of sharing to help others.
It’s okay to not be okay.
People will ask you how you’re doing, and if you’re anything like most women, you’ll tell every person who asks that you are “fine.” Guess what? Saying you’re fine doesn’t make it true. I told people I was fine because I knew they couldn’t handle the truth. That is okay. It is perfectly normal, fine even, to not be okay for any amount of time that you need.
You do not have to rush back to whatever other people think is normal, and you certainly don’t have to expect to feel like your old self on anyone else’s timeline. It is okay. You do not have to explain your timeline to people you don’t live with. It is your right to feel exactly how you feel, and you will have many different feelings to sort through as you grieve and move forward with life after your miscarriage and without your baby. You may find new friends and shed old friends during this time, and that is okay, too. Women are too often expected to bounce back and move on before they are ready.
Take the time you need to grieve, rest, and reorient yourself.
Lean into your partner.
If you’re a married or partnered loss mother, I can’t stress this enough. Relationships are difficult for a multitude of reasons. Losing a baby can feel like an all-out assault on your relationship. With two people experiencing grief and all the things that go along with it, it can be especially difficult and easier than ever to pull away. It is a trap.
Pulling away from the one you love is not a healthy way to deal with your grief. Keep talking. Spend time together. Go for walks, go on dates, text, and check-in when you’re apart, comfort one another, and use this difficult time to deepen the love you have for each other. Loving someone who may be acting very unlovable is something that can happen when a relationship is strained from a traumatic loss.
Whether it’s you or a loved one who is grieving and not at her best, pulling together and getting through difficult times is exactly what people who love each other must do. I lashed out at my husband many times when I was struggling with our losses, and he loved me through it. And I couldn’t love him more for standing by my side in ways that only a loving partner could do.
Miscarriage is Awful. Period.
While there are a million other things I can share about our losses, these five things seem like the most profound pieces of wisdom I’ve gleaned from my pain. I would love for you to share this with a momma you know who has walked through the loss of a baby. If you’ve experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, feel free to share your little one’s name in the comments.
Speak her name. As a dear loss momma says, your little one was real, and she lived.
Here is an excerpt of my favorite poem that always reminds me of my sweet, missing babies.:
I Carry Your Heart with Me
BY E. E. CUMMINGS
I carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
